The Blonde Game of Intelligence

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

The Coma

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

The Water Closet

A certain English lady visited Switzerland and was having difficulty finding a room, so she asked the local schoolmaster to help her. After a satisfactory room had been found, she returned to her home and did some packing.
Suddenly, it occured to her that she hadn't noticed a W.C. (in England, the toilet is called a Water Closet), so she wrote the schoolmaster about the W.C.
The Schoolmaster, not knowing the meaning, asked the parish priest and together they decided that it must mean "Wayside Chapel." He wrote her the following letter:
Dear Madame,
It is my pleasure to inform you that there is a W.C. just 9 miles from your home, in the center of a grove of pine trees. It seats 229 people, and it is open on Thursdays and Sundays. This is an unfortunate situation if you are in the habit of going regularly. You will, nodoubt, be glad to hear that some people bring their lunches and make a day of it.
I would especially recommend Thursdays, for then there is an Organ accompaniment. The accoustics in the W.C. are excellent; even the most delicate sound can be heard.
My son was married in the W.C. and there was such a rush for seats that 10 people had to sit in the same seat. The looks on their faces were very interesting.
My wife is sickly but dedicated. She doesn't go regularly, and she hasn't gone for nearly a year.
I will be glad to reserve a seat in the W.C. for you, where you will be seen and heard by everyone.
Hoping I have been of some assistance.
Sincerely yours,The Schoolmaster

Hillary in Heaven

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

No Great Loss

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

To My Loving Wife

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving WifeFrom: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived!I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

That's not right...Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?...Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP...Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man...Dum Gai
Small Horse...Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?...Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table...Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift...Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here...Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet...Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone...No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week...Wai Yu Kum Nao?
Staying out of sight...Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile...Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive...Yu Stin Ki Pu

applied math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profitS

mart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, butmarried men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.